Truly more than we "expected"

Note: This entry was written in October of 2014 first, and I had kept it as a draft only - til now!


This may seem like a repeat of my other blog, but it's the "unabridged" version of my last entry! :) Stick it out and enjoy if you have the time, but know that it gets into a lot of detail. ;)

You know how people say, "It was truly a weekend to remember..."? 
Well, we had a weekend to remember. Really. In fact, I don't think Justin and I will ever forget it. 
We spent the weekend in the mountains of Sacramento, New Mexico. Yes, there is a Sacramento, New Mexico. It is small. But it is beautiful. 
We traveled the five hour journey to Sacramento for a couples retreat through our church, and, as I had mentioned in a previous entry, we were leading worship with some dear friends of ours, Jay and Amy Lewis.
It was a blessing to get to lead worship in such a beautiful place. And, because it was a couples retreat, we really felt like we were "retreating" together. 
We got there early to practice on Thursday, and ate lunch with a wonderful group of leaders and friends. It was very laid back. We ate at a cute little place called "Big Daddy's Diner," (Yes, it is called Big Daddy's) in Cloudcroft, NM. Really good food and good service. 

Jay Lewis and Justin

From left - Melissa and Jim Petty, Joe Kelley, Justin, me, Amy and Jay Lewis, and Keith and Jackie Hackfeld. Nathalie Kelley, Joe's wife, was taking this picture

We did a little shopping there, and while shopping, I came across these cute little squirrels. I never would have bought squirrels, of all things, but I thought they were something the kids would love, since we go on walks a lot and see them at home. Plus, they love acorns right now and the squirrels had acorns in their little paws.

While I was buying them, I couldn't help but notice the rainbow on the tag, and the message that read, "A wish come true". I thought that was interesting. I love rainbows, and they are God's way of reminding me he is there, and of his faithfulness.

 Then we headed back up the mountains to our retreat center, the Sacramento Methodist Assembly, to practice before the retreat began. It was a faith tester for both of us, because I was preparing to lead worship in a different form than I have done previously - on the piano, and Justin and I were doing a special together where he was playing guitar while I sang. We truly were being "stretched"! :) 

Friday came, and the retreat began. It was a blessing to be amongst the couples we were - every one of them are such sweet people. Some were younger, some older. The older ones kept reminding us younger ones to enjoy this time of life and not to take it for granted. :) 

There was a newly wed game, and then followed the first worship service. We led worship with Amy and Jay, and then Jim Petty talked on marriage, and our dear friends Cindy and Mike also spoke about their marriage. I sang the song, "Worth It All," by Rita Springer and played the piano. And couples received prayer over their marriages - and were asked if there were any specific prayer requests. Ours consisted several things, but mostly, a possible blessing of a new baby from the Lord, if it be His will. Jackie and Keith prayed for us. :) 

The next day was Saturday, and we woke to another worship session where Jackie and Keith Hackfeld spoke, then Nathalie and Joe Kelley. Melissa also spoke. It was just a really good time of learning from different couples, in all walks of life. Everyone had something really good to say. I cannot even tell you how much I learned from it. It's too much! 

But Saturday.

Oh, Saturday.

This retreat was a blessing from God to us. I know that I say that about every trip I take, and every church trip is such an amazing experience - the only way to describe them is indescribable. Really. Because that is GOD. He IS indescribable. But truly, this one topped them all so far, for me...

You see, we went down there expecting so much. Spiritual renewal. Hope. Joy. To be closer to each other. To learn about the Lord. 

But we received SO much more than we ever would have expected.  

So, Saturday. Saturday was literally life changing. You see, I didn't expect at all to have the life change that we received...That night I took a pregnancy test. ;)

Let me back up a bit. That night, while on a bathroom break during the service, when I went in there was a line. There were two pregnant women on the retreat, and one of them was in line, along with Melissa. I told Snow (yes, her name is Snow, and it's awesome, isn't it?) that if she wanted, she could pass some of those pregnancy germs onto me. They laughed. Then, Nathalie came in, and while we were still on the subject of pregnancy, she said, "Yes, Amber, I had been wondering about you, as a matter of fact, last week. Are ya'll thinking of having another?" 

And I told her, "Yes, we are."

And she said, "You think it's time, now?"

And I said, "Yes, I think it is."

And, for the first time, I realized I felt very, very at peace with the idea. 

Well, anyway, later that evening, I decided to go ahead and take the pregnancy test I had in my bag...Yes, I had brought it with me. At this point, because we have been trying, and because I wanted it so badly, I was not going to wait to take one when I even slightly thought I might be. I wasn't even going to wait until we got home! It was pretty much perfect timing. 

So.

For some reason, this time, Justin and I prayed beforehand. We have never done that before. And I've taken a LOT of pregnancy tests this year. 

But anyway, Justin prayed a simple little prayer, something like, "God, let your will be done in Amber's pee."

Yes, he prayed about my pee. 

So, I nervously took the test, and realized it was one you have to wait three minutes for, for the results. I don't normally take these, and because I was nervous, I told Justin, who was lying on the bed watching his IPhone, to check it for me. I didn't even want to check it myself! 

Our "hospitality" room was a couple rooms over (a sweet little place at the retreat made for fellowship, with couches and treats and drinks) so I went to get some water. 

When I returned, he was in the same spot he'd been in before I left! 

So I said, "You are still in the same spot! You didn't even look?"

He said, "Yes. I looked."

I said, "Well??? What did it say?? It said no, didn't it?"

I was prepared for that negative.

He shook his head, saying, "No, it said No."
I said, "Seriously?" 
Bummed, as usual.

But I went to look, anyway, muttering something about how I'd "have to see for myself." 

Then I screamed...You know what they call a Big Fat Positive? 

Yes.

YES.

That's what it said.

A weekend of unexpected blessings.

That's what we had.

So.

I had of course, already played out in my mind how I would announce this baby if it was, somehow a positive. 

So I made Justin do it!

During worship the next morning, I could not wait to tell people. I am NOT the kind who can wait twelve weeks then start telling people. No. 

I have to share with EVERYONE right away. I figure that if you wait, and something bad does happen, then you don't have the support group you would have had, anyway. How's that for an excuse? ;)
Plus, we'd waited this long (a year and a half, to be exact, since we'd started "trying") so why not?

Anyway, before we led worship that morning, Jay told everyone that we had an announcement, and Justin used my idea - 

"So, ya'll thought we had come without our kids, but we actually brought one along with us. We are expecting...And you can pray for us."

Of course, Melissa, who is the retreat organizer, cried, and Jackie jumped up and down in the back of the room where she was sitting. They are what you call my "spiritual mommas." They are amazing, and Jackie's been praying for us in this area for a few months now, and Melissa has known we wanted another little one for quite some time. I think she had even mentioned on Friday that she wanted to be able to tell people about good things that happen on these retreats, like maybe even babies? She wants to have many more of these. My sweet friend Sarah was also there in the back, an amazing prayer warrior, who I told about a year ago to start praying for us about a baby, shedding some happy tears. 

This church family is so amazing, and I probably wouldn't have shared so soon honestly. 

But seriously, every detail this weekend was orchestrated by the hand of God. Everything, from the ride up there, watching the beautiful scenery, to the hike we took on Saturday and found a rock shaped like a perfect heart for Brookelynn (she LOVES rocks) and a pine cone for Kaleb, to the big painted rainbow on the outside of one of the buildings at the camp, to the rainbow on the tag of the little squirrels I bought the children that read "A wish come true," to the song Jay, our head worship leader had planned to sing the morning we announced (So Good To Me, by Cory Asbury - "I waited patiently upon the Lord, and he inclined and heard my cry...") to all of the perfect people being in just the right place at the right time to hear about the new baby they'd been praying for with us.  

Jesus is so good, ya'll.

Since this is about our sweet new little bundle, I want to share something else with ya'll while I'm at it, and sorry - you'll just have to put up with a long entry this time! ;)  

If ever there were a time to be longwinded, I feel like this is the time! :)  

I have had two times this past year, through all the prayer, and all the tears (yes, I've shed some this year over this precious baby) that I really felt like I heard the Lord very specifically about this sweet one. 

Once in July of this past summer, and then once in September. The first time was so clear I was almost positive it was the Lord, but COULD not believe it. I wanted to, but I felt like it was silly that I knew I'd heard what I'd heard!

Here is my journal entry from that night that I have been saving for this moment.

Dated July 3rd, 2014

"He who calls you is faithful. 
Praying about the future tonight and I felt like the Lord gave me a word...I don't plan to forget anytime soon. 
'He is coming.'
Not sure whether this is what I would like it to be, but I have a feeling it is. As I was praying I began to see rainbows - remember all the rainbows I've seen lately. We have had rain - and with it has come rainbows. And this morning our pastor said not to forget - 'He is faithful.'
Well, after praying about the future tonight, and sharing some deep desires of my heart, I felt like the Lord was reminding me of all the times in my life when I have prayed specifically for what I wanted - some of these very big things - my husband (specific qualities), my first baby boy (he is all I prayed for and more), my baby girl (same thing - even felt like the Lord had told me she was a girl before we found out she was). So, I was thanking the Lord for his faithfulness tonight in prayer when I felt like he gave me the new word, 'He is coming.' 
Well, I have been praying for quite some time about a new little one. Wondering (and hoping!) if this might be what I am thinking it might be. 
And then, when I opened the word tonight, it was on Hebrews 11, the faith chapter. Think the Lord is speaking to me about faith?!
Haha. 
He is good. 
All the time!!"

Of course, the only test of prophecy is whether it comes true. Part of this has, but part of it hasn't. We shall see. I have ideas of what I want this baby's name to be, and it's a boy's name...! We shall see. 

Okay, the other one I didn't write down, but it was just a very specific voice. You know, one of those times you are just really honest and crying in prayer, and you feel very strongly that you actually waited long enough to think you have heard him speak back? Yes, one of those times. 

I was outside watching the stars and enjoying just praying to the Lord and I was really talking to him of course about a baby, because that's what I always talk to him about these days. No, I'm not persistent! Lol.

But anyway, I had been telling him about all the upcoming trips we had, and that I really wanted a sweet baby to come along, despite the fact that I might have morning sickness during all these trips. And he KNOWS how much I hate being nauseated. Ha!

And I really felt like he was seriously ASKING me, "Amber, do you really want this baby now? I can give it to you now."

And then I heard October or November. 

Seriously.

That was when I started planning how I would share during the retreat about the new baby. 

God is faithful, ya'll. 

We have done it all, too. By that, I mean, we have decided to try and wait to have children, and we have decided to try.

About a year ago, I felt like he was really telling me to wait.

I HATED that idea, but I gave the whole desire of having another one to him completely, and we tried to avoid getting pregnant, which was exactly the opposite of what I really wanted. But for months, I cried about it during prayer, but I gave it to Him, and knew it was in his hands. 

Then, in July of this year, I felt him saying it was alright to start trying again.

SO...I tried it all. The ovulation strips, the basal body temperature thermometer. The strips said I wasn't ovulating after taking them for two months.

The first thermometer I bought didn't even work.

And one month went by.

Then two...

Then three...

Then four...

And I kept remembering the times during the last year that we had "slipped" at the "right" time of month, and nothing had happened.

Discouragement set in.

A few more months went by.

And it always seemed that when I was reading the Psalms, I would fall across the ones about your children being olive shoots around your table. Doesn't that always happen when you are wanting something? You just "come across" the subject in the bible. No...I was probably searching for it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I was. And the story of Abraham and Sarah. I couldn't get it out of my head.

And now we are here. 

And I just keep remembering hearing God say, "It's in my hands. Don't worry. I got this."

Oh yes. 

He did. 

I'm so glad for new beginnings. I'm so glad for unexpected blessings. 

Truly did not expect to have such an amazing weekend!!!

We have an indescribable God.

Room 103. 

Psalm 128

Blessed are all who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways. 

You will eat the fruit of your labor; blessings and prosperity will be yours. 

Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your sons will be like olive shoots around your table. Thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord. 

May the Lord bless you from Zion all the days of your life; 

may you see the prosperity of Jerusalem, and may you live to see your children's children.

Peace be upon Israel.

BUT GOD

It's been a crazy ride, ya'll. Let me tell ya. 

So incredibly blessed by this new little life inside of me.

I don't have a lot of time these days, and I sure won't in a few short months. But I DO want to share something new with ya'll!

A week after (A WEEK, guys, a WEEK!) I wrote my last entry I stopped bleeding. Completely. Praise Jesus.

I think I had mentioned I felt like God was telling me he was healing me? Well, he was. I truly believe that tingling sensation I felt was Him beginning to do the work only He does. Between that, what I felt he was telling me, and then actually stopping the bleeding the week later, I really feel it was HE who healed me. I mean, what else explains all of this? :) He is who he says he is, guys. He really, really is. 

Then, we went back to the high risk doctor a few weeks later, and they just totally confirmed it. They couldn't find the blood clot ANYWHERE. Praise Jesus. Told me everything looked normal and good. "Continue on with your pregnancy, exercise, do what you'd normally do," I was told. "There is no sign of a blood clot."

It completely disappeared? :) :) :) 

When I went back to my normal doctor this past week, he confirmed it again, and said, while going through the report from my high risk doctor with me, that there was NOTHING about a blood clot. All was well. And he was astonished. He looked at me, and told me he truly had thought I was going to miscarry, and he showed me the size of what the blood clot was with his fingers. 

"That was a big blood clot. I cannot believe it just is gone."

Yes, Lord. You are GOOD! And, yes, you are God. I just am so overwhelmed and thankful. 

I told him we are praying people. And he laughed and said, "Well, yes, God triumphs over Science every time. "

May we never lose our wonder, guys, in the God we serve. I cannot even explain my thankfulness. He is so big. 

I just feel like this child is SO special to him. I know every child is special to him? I know that. But this one - I have always felt like he is especially sweet, due to all of this. The enemy has not wanted him to come about! 

BUT GOD! 

Thank Jesus for his faithfulness!

Faith comes in small packages

I am writing something tonight that I've been waiting to share for quite some time.

Here is a page from my journal, dated July 3, 2014.

"He who calls you is faithful. Praying about the future tonight and I felt like the Lord gave me a word...I don't plan to forget anytime soon.

'He is coming.'

Not sure whether this is what I would like it to be, but I have a feeling it is. 

As I was praying, I began to see rainbows, and to remember all the rainbows I've seen lately. We have had rain, and with it has come rainbows.

And this morning our pastor said not to forget - 'He is faithful.'

Well, after praying about the future tonight, and sharing some deep desires of my heart, I felt like the Lord was reminding me of all the times in my life when I have prayed specifically for what I wanted -some of these very big things - my husband (specific qualities), my first baby boy (he is all I prayed for and more), my baby girl (same thing - even felt like the Lord told me she was a girl before we even found out she was). So, I was thanking the Lord for his faithfulness tonight in prayer, when I felt like he gave me the new word, 'He is coming.'

Well, I have been praying for quite some time about a new little one. Wondering (and hoping!) if this might be what I am thinking it might be. 

And then, when I opened the Word tonight, it was on Hebrews 11, the faith chapter. Think the Lord is speaking to me about faith?! 

Haha.

He is good. 

All the time."

This was written three months before we found out we were expecting at the end of October. And just this past Monday, we found out it is indeed a boy. 

I know some might think this is just coincidence. 

But I don't.

I believe we serve a God of wonder, a God who loves to pour out his blessings upon us, if only we just ask. 

Feeling oh so blessed these days.

We are, however, still needing prayer. 

There is no doubt in my mind that this baby is SO special to the Lord. 

After all, we waited on and prayed for him for a year and a half!

But, at six weeks, I began to bleed. 

At ten weeks, it became very heavy and dark red with cramping. I texted to several friends to pray and that I felt like I may be losing the baby. 

We went to the ER the next morning, though, and there was that sweet baby, just moving around in there like it was no big deal, strong heart beat, and right on as far as growth was concerned. 

So we came back home, and thankfully, I stopped bleeding so heavily. 

But it has continued, and I am now at 18 weeks. I'm like the woman with the issue of blood...except I have been bleeding for 12 weeks, not years, thank the Lord!

I have been referred to a high risk doctor, where we found out the sex last week, and were told that the bleeding is due to a subchorionic bleed (a blood clot next to the placenta) that could but probably won't cause an issue with the pregnancy.

My mother in law, who had come with us to the sonogram, happened to step outside of the room during a moment where she said she saw a whole group of doctors standing outside the door discussing me. 

Of course this was cause for concern to me, even though during the appointment they assured me the baby looks great, but just to watch and make sure my bleeding doesn't increase again, and to come back in if it does. 

Being monitored closely by a high risk doctor with a blood clot scares me.

But God - He is faithful. He who calls us is faithful!! 

There have been several times that I have stopped bleeding completely. Once was right before the ER visit. 

During those times it stopped I would pray and thank Jesus for healing, and once, recently, I felt tingles go up and down my body, and I thanked Jesus again for healing. I KNOW he is healing me! 

And at a Walk meeting recently during prayer over the pregnancy, I had someone remind me of this - to believe that I am healed! Jesus wants me to know that! 

I believe it. 

I am just waiting and remembering this truth these days - that HE IS FAITHFUL. 

Even though I may not see it with my eyes yet, I believe it in my heart. 

Today our pastor reminded us that being faithful in prayer does not mean you come to the Lord in a boastful or conceited way. It does not mean you are demanding - but, you are instead, just reminding Him of all his promises, believing all that He is, and all that He says. 

During my research recently on subchorionic bleeds, I have come across some very disturbing stories - and, if I had not stopped when I did, I believe I would have come across even more women who had lost their babies due to a subchorionic bleed. They are out there - and a lot of late term miscarriages. 

I am just trusting in God's word right now. Knowing that He who calls me is faithful. 

This journey has not been an easy one. 

It has by far, been the hardest pregnancy - I was pretty sick the first few months, as well. I couldn't do school with Brookelynn and Kaleb as much as I'd hoped, because I was physically unable, and, because I didn't know what the bleeding was caused from, always wondering if I would be better off on bedrest. It seemed that when I would get up and begin school with them, not only was I sicker, but I would bleed more. Very frustrating - especially when you have two very busy preschoolers to tend to!

My sweet sister in law also found out she was expecting a week or two after I did, but, alongside my issues, she was having issues too. Her pregnancy symptoms were not quite as pronounced as usual (she has had six children), and she was secretly not only worrying about me, but also herself. 

Well, at 10 weeks I went to the ER and found out my sweet one was alright.

A week later, when she was about 10 weeks, she went to the doctor and found out her baby was not. 

This has been a crazy ride, ya'll! It has been emotional, in so many ways, both good and bad, already. 

I have mourned the loss of my sweet new niece (they believe it was a girl), rejoiced over the blessing of the precious new life inside of me, and faced the fear of losing him.

But you know - we don't have to have all the answers. We just have to believe in the One who does. And to remember that ALL his promises are YES! And Amen. 

And as a sidenote, yes, the name we are thinking about DOES have a tie into the Noah story...if you read my last entry here you will understand that! ;) 

It's a very special name in so many ways that I will explain after we share it. Still deciding, but I think we are like 80 percent sure...:)

SO, all of that to say, this is a very special journey we are on, finally. 

I am very excited to see this new little one face to face, because he is SO special to Jesus. He is teaching us so much already! 

Just a short little thought this evening (which actually means, a long thought that is shorter than my usual long thoughts).

This whole new baby thing is becoming quite the faith tester.

Wanted one for so long now that (well, only a year and a couple months) that it seems like forever.

Another month has gone by, still no new little one in the picture at all. 

I sometimes wonder if I should give up?

I still know God is the ultimate opener and closer of the womb. 

I have been reminded, it seems like, over and over of the story of Noah, and God's promises lately, and the story of Abraham and Sarai. 

It seems every time I turn around I see another rainbow, in some form of fashion, whether it be one in the sky, or the reflection off someone's cd in their car (yes, really). I guess now I really look for them, though, since they mean hope to me. Seems like in my life they are the one thing God has used to really remind me of his hope. Every time I've been praying fervently over something in my life, it seems they pop up. Or, if I'm down? They pop up. Or, if I am even just pondering the Lord - it's like it's his little reminder to me, personally, that He still is on the throne, and still loves me (which makes me cry!). 

So it's not a surprise to me that I have been reminded of the story of Noah often (seriously, it's the one the kids want to read ALL the time now, when given the choice between bible stories, and this year, B has always requested the song, "Noah built a boat," over and over!). The Noah movie came out this year, and we went to see it (terrible rendition, but - nonetheless, it was the "Noah" story). And just recently we have been watching a YouTube video all about the actual story of Noah.  

Which brings me to my point.

If and when we ever do get pregnant again, I want his or her name to be one from the Noah story.

I have thought about this a lot.

And of course, run it by Justin...lol...who just laughs at me. We're not even pregnant and I'm thinking seriously about names! Okay, so I'm a planner...

I love the Noah story, and even more so these days than ever. 

It is about hope, and God's promises. 

He LOVES his people.

Tonight, after taking a pregnancy test, and of course getting a negative, I was watching a YouTube video of people worshiping God at a Kari Jobe concert. There were SO many people there, and God loves EVERY one of them.

He created each one, he knows the number of hairs on EACH of their heads. They are each, individually, SO important to him. 

And they were all worshiping him. What joy that must give him to see all these people, the people he pictured from the beginning of time, when he chose to save Noah and his family and not give up on us. And think of how much the earth has been populated since then. So many Christians exist today that would not exist if he had decided to just give up and not give us another chance. 

Why would he not want one more? Why? 

He LOVES people.

So much.

So all that to say, I think that, when Jesus decides it's time, and he does bless us with another sweet one that HE designs and delights in, then I will name them from the story of Noah.

Because this next baby will be my sign from the Lord about HOPE. And that ALL of God's promises are YES and AMEN. 

What a precious promise fulfilled that baby will be. 

Planting, sowing...reaping

When I was younger, just getting out of college, I had a pretty hard time figuring out what I was wanting to do with my life. 

I mean, I struggled after college. I won't lie.

I had this Journalism degree, with an emphasis in Public Relations, and I really didn't know what to do with it. 

Don't get me wrong.

I wanted that degree. I LOVE people, and I LOVE writing, and I LOVE stories.

I may still decide to write in the future.

In fact, I hope I do.

I plan to do something with this love for writing I have, and to use the writing talent I believe God has given me for greater purpose in the future.

And after college, I did use it. I worked for a local weekly newspaper for about a year, then transferred to the Snyder Daily News as a Features Editor where I worked for a year, as well.

Let me tell you, that time in my life was one of the most challenging yet.

Because I DID love the writing. 

But I knew I wanted more than that, and my heart yearned for it. 

Yes, I wanted to marry, and have children. And that too, came about, in the most beautiful fashion! I can honestly say I believe Jesus wrote Justin's and my lovestory, and is still writing it.

But...when I would write in my prayer journal, years ago, after college, and even before, I would pray for "more". 

I wish I could find those old journals now, and some day I will take the time to really search for them. They are somewhere in the heap of scraps I've saved over the years in the attic underneath other things I've neglected. But for now, I just remember pouring my heart and soul into finding that "counseling" job, or job in "ministry". Because not only would I write in my prayer journal about it but I would earnestly seek after it, even when I had applied to college for a Journalism degree. During my time at home, before I left for college, I applied for a position at a bible college close to home to work as a "teen counselor," and a "missionary" position in Hawaii (lol!), and even prayed about joining a choir that tours internationally to share the good news of Jesus in their songs. My heart was wanting to do something "more".

Yet I still went to college and got that Journalism degree. And I'm glad I did. It was where Jesus led me.

But I think God can birth our dreams in our hearts years, and years before they come to pass. 

Which is why I'm writing here again about the retreats our church is doing.

I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have been led to this particular place, in this particular point in time. 

Nothing is by coincidence. 

Nothing.

When we were switching to our current church, I was really upset.

Honestly. 

I was sad to have to leave the familiarity of that church, and the good friends I'd made there.

But I kept feeling like the Lord was saying, "I'm doing something new. Just watch."

And...He is.

It's been amazing to watch.

This church we have finally joined (after a year of attending, by the way!) has been more than I ever could have asked God for - I am so happy, for the first time, in a very long time, with the place we are attending.

Which leads me to the retreats we've been participating in. 

I think they may be part of what God has been birthing in my heart... For such a time as this.

Because, up until now, I've been able to sing at church, doing specials, and I've even had the extreme privilege of working in a church office, both of which I've absolutely LOVED. 

But never have I had the opportunity to serve in the way that I am serving now. It is filling a part of my heart that has ached to be used for so long! 

So far, I've helped out with two retreats that our church has coordinated, and I've been able to see beautiful things take place that Jesus has done that I have never been able to be a part of before.

I have been leading worship at the retreats, and have seen some pretty amazing things happen - at the last one, the one for teens, all the pews were empty during the altar call ~ such a beautiful sight it was! 

Just amazing for my eyes and heart!

If I had kept a job during this time, and had been working, or had not had kids and stayed home with them, I would not have had the time to put into these retreats. 

But because the way my life has worked out, I do.

...Which leads me to this last retreat. It is indescribable how much you can learn from just helping behind the scenes. And even though 40 girls came to the altar during the altar call, the most inspiring moment for me happened before the retreat even began. 

You see, this retreat was for teen girls, so the subjects that were touched and the testimonies that were shared were very, very deep and personal, ranging from rape and abortion to cutting and meth use. It was pretty intense. 

And I was on the worship team, so I got asked to sing several songs alone, and one with one of the girls who had suffered rape in high school and was still going through the healing process. 

She was singing the song, "Warrior," about healing through a traumatic experience, and she was also sharing her testimony about her rape. 

It was very, very hard for her, though, and before the retreat she'd been trying to sing it on her own, but she just couldn't. So, about three days before the retreat, my team leader came to me and asked me if I could sing it with her. I didn't even know the song, but it quickly became one of my favorites after practicing it. It's intense, but beautiful. 

Well, we had tried to get together before the retreat to practice, but were never able to. 

So, you can imagine the nerves on Friday, the day we were to sing it! 

I wasn't that nervous, since I'd practiced it on my own and felt confident I could do it. But I really wanted her to be able to sing it with me. 

Her nerves were shot...I can only imagine the feeling of being up there in front of all those girls, that were her same age, and sharing about this most horrific incident in her life, then having to sing about it. After all, it had only been a year or two (I think, I could be wrong) since it had happened. Her story is very unique, in that almost the whole town came against her after her and her family testified against this man (and his friends had been in on it, too - not sure if they were charged, but I know at least one was). The kids in the town created t-shirts in support for the man who had raped her. It sounds like it was devastating for her to go through. I am not sure if I could have gotten up in front of anyone, much less my peers, and told my story, then sang about it, either.

So, as you can understand, she was scared. But she came that afternoon to the chapel, where we were to sing, and tried to practice with me in front of our team leaders and her mom. 

It wasn't happening though. 

She sobbed, and sobbed some more. She couldn't do it, she said. She just couldn't. 

But after pulling herself together (that sweet, brave soul!) she tried to sing one last time with me, and, immediately following the song, our team leader (and coordinator of the retreats) looked at us with tears streaming down her cheeks after praying throughout the song for us. 

"I just wanted to tell you," she said, "that while you were singing, as I was praying, God showed me something."

"After I prayed, I opened my eyes, and there were four warring angels standing in front of that podium where you are," she said. 

"And God told me that they will not leave. They will be here, and they will stay here during your song."

That was enough for her, I think. ;) 

And me. 

We sang that song that night, and I pray lives were touched, and people healed. 

I have been praying for lives to be touched and people to be healed throughout this time, before the retreats start, and even fasting from certain things in my life. 

I feel used of God, and it's just amazing. These retreats are indescribable. 

And my sweet hubby...He is in on it too. He will be going with me in October to the couples retreat, where we will get to lead worship together. Never did I actually believe that I'd be able to lead worship in such a fashion - and for such an audience. God always plants our dreams before he gives them to us. 

We haven't actually practiced yet for this next one, but I have been asked to play keyboard, which I am totally new at (haven't lead worship like that before - just done vocals so far, so we will see how this pans out!), and Justin will be on guitar.

I can't wait to see what God has up His sleeve for this next one. He always promises to meet us where we're at. But he does so much more than that. 

Never before have I been so convinced that He places our dreams in our hearts before he gives them to us physically. 











  

Updates on our God journey :)

I write this blog post as my husband is behind me snoring (a bit, not a lot - sorry hunny!;) and my two beautiful blessings are sound asleep in their beds, hopefully having wonderful dreams. :) 
This is when I get to write...the "happy" hour between when the kids go to bed and I go to bed! :) 
I have been meaning to write a post on the other "goings on" of our lives, besides the hustle and bustle of every day life and the pictures I get to take daily of our adventures. ;) 
More about our spiritual journey. 
And it has been good - God is doing great things! I will start with the kids...  
In our family, our normal routine with the kiddos is to take them to church on Sundays, and to Bible Club on Thursday mornings. Bible Club is like a Sunday School for kids in the park, and they really love it. The last couple years have been more sporadic though, because of Brookelynn's birth! 
I was taking Kaleb every week to Bible Club before she was born, but after she was born, it became a bit harder. Then, Kaleb's two's hit, and wow...it was hard to tote a one year old on my hip and get a very, very strong willed two year old to sit still for more than two seconds. ;) In my heart of hearts, I always believe Kaleb is going to be like the Caleb in the bible (which is one of the reasons we chose his name, of course) ~ to stand alone for God and his beliefs, against all odds and everyone else's opinion. Our Kaleb will live up to that, and I pray always that he will stand up for what he believes. So far, his personality proves that he will. 
Anyway, all that to say, we haven't gone to Bible Club as much the last couple of years, but this year, K's third year, has proved to be a LOT easier in the toting two kids around department. I am SO grateful for that! There is magic in the number three. ;) He still throws tantrums, but they are much easier, and more controllable now, thankfully!
So, we have enjoyed our Thursday Bible Club, and our Sundays at church. 
And, while we're still on the subject of kids - I know I've mentioned that I love our church, but I just find more and more reasons why as we continue to attend there. They wave flags during worship, and our kids are going to do it too soon!
I am so excited, because we just purchased a couple of small, kids flags for B and K! Sometimes we keep the kids in the service during church, and other times we don't. But when we do, I look forward to letting them wave their flags and dance for Jesus during the praise and worship time!
And, during their Sunday School, they have a praise and worship session, as well. I believe they have flags in there too, along with some tambourines and other instruments for them to play during their "praise and worship sessions". :) 
They also pray together, and the teachers brag to us afterward when we pick them up that Brookelynn is their little "prayer warrior". (Okay, yes, mom brag moment.:) 
And, Kaleb has started talking more and more about Jesus without my talking about him first, which of course, just brightens my day. There is nothing like hearing your children talking about Jesus. Nothing! 
We also say our memory verses before we go to bed, and sometimes read the bible together, and we always pray, of course.
I must admit that the bible reading part is where we are lacking. We need to get on top of that. K has several children's bibles, and I need to find one he really likes. We tend to sometimes let our regular bedtime story get in the way. :) 
We also pray of course, before we eat, but sometimes I forget, after I have been back and forth from the table to the counter in the kitchen, back to the table, back to the kitchen ten times. Then I sit down and just breathe. Ha!
But we do pray before dinner, most of the time! Usually we let one of the kids do it, or we will do it and have them repeat after us. 
Onto "us". 
I am so excited for where the Lord is leading our family in our spiritual journey together. 
Both Justin and I love music, and we've been able to lead worship at our church together for the first time since we've been together. It is SUCH a joy. I would recommend it for all couples! 
But anyway, we lead every first Sunday of the month most of the time, even if Justin's on nights. I must admit, that gets a bit challenging for all of us, but we still manage to make it work. I LOVE that I have a husband with a heart to do that. What a sweet man he is! He literally comes home after working the 12 hour nightshift, gets about an hour of sleep, then gets up again to lead worship at church, then comes home and gets about four hours of sleep before going back for another 12 hours. I am in awe. We will continue to do this as long as we are able and the church lets us. It is truly humbling to be able to lead  a church in worship of the Most High. Cannot even describe that. And to get to do it with my husband by my side is only just a dream come true for me. :) Jesus is amazing. 
We have also been asked to lead worship at a couples retreat in New Mexico in October. We are honored and thrilled to be able to help out! 
I am also going to help out at a teen girls retreat in August, which is also an extreme honor. I cannot wait. I hope that lives are touched and girls are saved, transformed, and healed, in the precious name of Jesus. 
Honored. 
That is just the best way to describe the way I feel about the goings on of our spiritual journey right now. The Lord, for some reason, has chosen to bless us and for that I am eternally grateful. I can only bow my head and say thank you. 

So.
That's how we are doing. Just a bunch of Jesus-lovin folk that like to sing a bit. :) Oh - and play the piano and guitar. Justin practices his guitar a bit more than I practice piano, though. It's just hard to do when you've got two kiddos running circles around you! I would like to, though, in the future, and I plan to soon, get some tambourines for them to play while we play our instruments. Then, we can have a family worship session at home. :) 

Just a bit of our journey. More to share later on how the trips go, and, all the other beautiful things God is teaching us, and doing in our lives. One thing is for sure - that is that this God-lovin life is never dull or boring, huh? ;) 

Blessings! 



  

HIS plan is BIG

I've had some good dreams lately.

I don't normally dream much, and when I do, they are usually ones I can't really understand or get much out of. And most of the time, they are just plain weird. Not good, not bad, just weird!

But lately, I've had two that really have stood out to me, in good ways, and I wanted to share them with ya.

The first one was the night before church last weekend.

It was short and sweet and to the point. I was running a race, and desperate to get to the finish line. I remember feeling overwhelmed and working very hard, but at the same time, I was smiling throughout the whole race, and very at peace...My pastor was ahead of me, even toward the end, if I remember clearly. Not sure what that means (hope that's not true in some ways!;) but I remember thinking throughout the race, "I can do this! I can do this! Pastor Tony is there cheering me on! I can do this!"

And that was it.

But when I woke up, I thought, "Wow. What truth!"

Because that's kind of how I feel. I feel like our pastor can not only be our friend, our mentor, our encourager, but also our coach. And that is how I feel toward our pastor.

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the good news of God's grace."
Acts 20:24 NIV

The second one was last night.

I dreamt that I was back in the time before I met Justin, before I came to Texas, when I was still in Washington.

I was staying at a friend's house for some reason. Not sure why. But it was out of my hometown, and I had finally found a church I felt at "home" in there while staying with her. And then I had to go, and I couldn't continue going to the church I found that I loved, and it devastated me. And that was about it, really. Not many other details stand out.

But it means a lot to me.

Because that's where I had been for SO long.

I had found churches I liked in Washington, and there was one in particular I fell in love with, but for some reason, the Lord had not allowed me to attend as I had wanted to, for several reasons. I was so upset though, because I couldn't go to a church I felt at "home" in.

And this morning, when I woke from the dream, I was immediately so overwhelmed with joy.

Because now, I am in Texas, finally attending a church I love, and feel at "home" in.

It truly is the biggest blessing ever.

This is the FIRST time I have ever felt so at home in a church. It's a "place" in life I've been praying for for a long time.

Thanks Jesus, for all this goodness, and your graciousness in our lives. You are continuously working behind the scenes, and we never know what you're going to do next, but you always have GOOD plans!