I am writing something tonight that I've been waiting to share for quite some time.
Here is a page from my journal, dated July 3, 2014.
"He who calls you is faithful. Praying about the future tonight and I felt like the Lord gave me a word...I don't plan to forget anytime soon.
'He is coming.'
Not sure whether this is what I would like it to be, but I have a feeling it is.
As I was praying, I began to see rainbows, and to remember all the rainbows I've seen lately. We have had rain, and with it has come rainbows.
And this morning our pastor said not to forget - 'He is faithful.'
Well, after praying about the future tonight, and sharing some deep desires of my heart, I felt like the Lord was reminding me of all the times in my life when I have prayed specifically for what I wanted -some of these very big things - my husband (specific qualities), my first baby boy (he is all I prayed for and more), my baby girl (same thing - even felt like the Lord told me she was a girl before we even found out she was). So, I was thanking the Lord for his faithfulness tonight in prayer, when I felt like he gave me the new word, 'He is coming.'
Well, I have been praying for quite some time about a new little one. Wondering (and hoping!) if this might be what I am thinking it might be.
And then, when I opened the Word tonight, it was on Hebrews 11, the faith chapter. Think the Lord is speaking to me about faith?!
Haha.
He is good.
All the time."
This was written three months before we found out we were expecting at the end of October. And just this past Monday, we found out it is indeed a boy.
I know some might think this is just coincidence.
But I don't.
I believe we serve a God of wonder, a God who loves to pour out his blessings upon us, if only we just ask.
Feeling oh so blessed these days.
We are, however, still needing prayer.
There is no doubt in my mind that this baby is SO special to the Lord.
After all, we waited on and prayed for him for a year and a half!
But, at six weeks, I began to bleed.
At ten weeks, it became very heavy and dark red with cramping. I texted to several friends to pray and that I felt like I may be losing the baby.
We went to the ER the next morning, though, and there was that sweet baby, just moving around in there like it was no big deal, strong heart beat, and right on as far as growth was concerned.
So we came back home, and thankfully, I stopped bleeding so heavily.
But it has continued, and I am now at 18 weeks. I'm like the woman with the issue of blood...except I have been bleeding for 12 weeks, not years, thank the Lord!
I have been referred to a high risk doctor, where we found out the sex last week, and were told that the bleeding is due to a subchorionic bleed (a blood clot next to the placenta) that could but probably won't cause an issue with the pregnancy.
My mother in law, who had come with us to the sonogram, happened to step outside of the room during a moment where she said she saw a whole group of doctors standing outside the door discussing me.
Of course this was cause for concern to me, even though during the appointment they assured me the baby looks great, but just to watch and make sure my bleeding doesn't increase again, and to come back in if it does.
Being monitored closely by a high risk doctor with a blood clot scares me.
But God - He is faithful. He who calls us is faithful!!
There have been several times that I have stopped bleeding completely. Once was right before the ER visit.
During those times it stopped I would pray and thank Jesus for healing, and once, recently, I felt tingles go up and down my body, and I thanked Jesus again for healing. I KNOW he is healing me!
And at a Walk meeting recently during prayer over the pregnancy, I had someone remind me of this - to believe that I am healed! Jesus wants me to know that!
I believe it.
I am just waiting and remembering this truth these days - that HE IS FAITHFUL.
Even though I may not see it with my eyes yet, I believe it in my heart.
Today our pastor reminded us that being faithful in prayer does not mean you come to the Lord in a boastful or conceited way. It does not mean you are demanding - but, you are instead, just reminding Him of all his promises, believing all that He is, and all that He says.
During my research recently on subchorionic bleeds, I have come across some very disturbing stories - and, if I had not stopped when I did, I believe I would have come across even more women who had lost their babies due to a subchorionic bleed. They are out there - and a lot of late term miscarriages.
I am just trusting in God's word right now. Knowing that He who calls me is faithful.
This journey has not been an easy one.
It has by far, been the hardest pregnancy - I was pretty sick the first few months, as well. I couldn't do school with Brookelynn and Kaleb as much as I'd hoped, because I was physically unable, and, because I didn't know what the bleeding was caused from, always wondering if I would be better off on bedrest. It seemed that when I would get up and begin school with them, not only was I sicker, but I would bleed more. Very frustrating - especially when you have two very busy preschoolers to tend to!
My sweet sister in law also found out she was expecting a week or two after I did, but, alongside my issues, she was having issues too. Her pregnancy symptoms were not quite as pronounced as usual (she has had six children), and she was secretly not only worrying about me, but also herself.
Well, at 10 weeks I went to the ER and found out my sweet one was alright.
A week later, when she was about 10 weeks, she went to the doctor and found out her baby was not.
This has been a crazy ride, ya'll! It has been emotional, in so many ways, both good and bad, already.
I have mourned the loss of my sweet new niece (they believe it was a girl), rejoiced over the blessing of the precious new life inside of me, and faced the fear of losing him.
But you know - we don't have to have all the answers. We just have to believe in the One who does. And to remember that ALL his promises are YES! And Amen.
And as a sidenote, yes, the name we are thinking about DOES have a tie into the Noah story...if you read my last entry here you will understand that! ;)
It's a very special name in so many ways that I will explain after we share it. Still deciding, but I think we are like 80 percent sure...:)
SO, all of that to say, this is a very special journey we are on, finally.
I am very excited to see this new little one face to face, because he is SO special to Jesus. He is teaching us so much already!
