I mean, I struggled after college. I won't lie.
I had this Journalism degree, with an emphasis in Public Relations, and I really didn't know what to do with it.
Don't get me wrong.
I wanted that degree. I LOVE people, and I LOVE writing, and I LOVE stories.
I may still decide to write in the future.
In fact, I hope I do.
I plan to do something with this love for writing I have, and to use the writing talent I believe God has given me for greater purpose in the future.
And after college, I did use it. I worked for a local weekly newspaper for about a year, then transferred to the Snyder Daily News as a Features Editor where I worked for a year, as well.
Let me tell you, that time in my life was one of the most challenging yet.
Because I DID love the writing.
But I knew I wanted more than that, and my heart yearned for it.
Yes, I wanted to marry, and have children. And that too, came about, in the most beautiful fashion! I can honestly say I believe Jesus wrote Justin's and my lovestory, and is still writing it.
But...when I would write in my prayer journal, years ago, after college, and even before, I would pray for "more".
I wish I could find those old journals now, and some day I will take the time to really search for them. They are somewhere in the heap of scraps I've saved over the years in the attic underneath other things I've neglected. But for now, I just remember pouring my heart and soul into finding that "counseling" job, or job in "ministry". Because not only would I write in my prayer journal about it but I would earnestly seek after it, even when I had applied to college for a Journalism degree. During my time at home, before I left for college, I applied for a position at a bible college close to home to work as a "teen counselor," and a "missionary" position in Hawaii (lol!), and even prayed about joining a choir that tours internationally to share the good news of Jesus in their songs. My heart was wanting to do something "more".
Yet I still went to college and got that Journalism degree. And I'm glad I did. It was where Jesus led me.
But I think God can birth our dreams in our hearts years, and years before they come to pass.
Which is why I'm writing here again about the retreats our church is doing.
I know that it is only by the grace of God that I have been led to this particular place, in this particular point in time.
Nothing is by coincidence.
Nothing.
When we were switching to our current church, I was really upset.
Honestly.
I was sad to have to leave the familiarity of that church, and the good friends I'd made there.
But I kept feeling like the Lord was saying, "I'm doing something new. Just watch."
And...He is.
It's been amazing to watch.
This church we have finally joined (after a year of attending, by the way!) has been more than I ever could have asked God for - I am so happy, for the first time, in a very long time, with the place we are attending.
Which leads me to the retreats we've been participating in.
I think they may be part of what God has been birthing in my heart... For such a time as this.
Because, up until now, I've been able to sing at church, doing specials, and I've even had the extreme privilege of working in a church office, both of which I've absolutely LOVED.
But never have I had the opportunity to serve in the way that I am serving now. It is filling a part of my heart that has ached to be used for so long!
So far, I've helped out with two retreats that our church has coordinated, and I've been able to see beautiful things take place that Jesus has done that I have never been able to be a part of before.
I have been leading worship at the retreats, and have seen some pretty amazing things happen - at the last one, the one for teens, all the pews were empty during the altar call ~ such a beautiful sight it was!
Just amazing for my eyes and heart!
If I had kept a job during this time, and had been working, or had not had kids and stayed home with them, I would not have had the time to put into these retreats.
But because the way my life has worked out, I do.
...Which leads me to this last retreat. It is indescribable how much you can learn from just helping behind the scenes. And even though 40 girls came to the altar during the altar call, the most inspiring moment for me happened before the retreat even began.
You see, this retreat was for teen girls, so the subjects that were touched and the testimonies that were shared were very, very deep and personal, ranging from rape and abortion to cutting and meth use. It was pretty intense.
And I was on the worship team, so I got asked to sing several songs alone, and one with one of the girls who had suffered rape in high school and was still going through the healing process.
She was singing the song, "Warrior," about healing through a traumatic experience, and she was also sharing her testimony about her rape.
It was very, very hard for her, though, and before the retreat she'd been trying to sing it on her own, but she just couldn't. So, about three days before the retreat, my team leader came to me and asked me if I could sing it with her. I didn't even know the song, but it quickly became one of my favorites after practicing it. It's intense, but beautiful.
Well, we had tried to get together before the retreat to practice, but were never able to.
So, you can imagine the nerves on Friday, the day we were to sing it!
I wasn't that nervous, since I'd practiced it on my own and felt confident I could do it. But I really wanted her to be able to sing it with me.
Her nerves were shot...I can only imagine the feeling of being up there in front of all those girls, that were her same age, and sharing about this most horrific incident in her life, then having to sing about it. After all, it had only been a year or two (I think, I could be wrong) since it had happened. Her story is very unique, in that almost the whole town came against her after her and her family testified against this man (and his friends had been in on it, too - not sure if they were charged, but I know at least one was). The kids in the town created t-shirts in support for the man who had raped her. It sounds like it was devastating for her to go through. I am not sure if I could have gotten up in front of anyone, much less my peers, and told my story, then sang about it, either.
So, as you can understand, she was scared. But she came that afternoon to the chapel, where we were to sing, and tried to practice with me in front of our team leaders and her mom.
It wasn't happening though.
She sobbed, and sobbed some more. She couldn't do it, she said. She just couldn't.
But after pulling herself together (that sweet, brave soul!) she tried to sing one last time with me, and, immediately following the song, our team leader (and coordinator of the retreats) looked at us with tears streaming down her cheeks after praying throughout the song for us.
"I just wanted to tell you," she said, "that while you were singing, as I was praying, God showed me something."
"After I prayed, I opened my eyes, and there were four warring angels standing in front of that podium where you are," she said.
"And God told me that they will not leave. They will be here, and they will stay here during your song."
That was enough for her, I think. ;)
And me.
We sang that song that night, and I pray lives were touched, and people healed.
I have been praying for lives to be touched and people to be healed throughout this time, before the retreats start, and even fasting from certain things in my life.
I feel used of God, and it's just amazing. These retreats are indescribable.
And my sweet hubby...He is in on it too. He will be going with me in October to the couples retreat, where we will get to lead worship together. Never did I actually believe that I'd be able to lead worship in such a fashion - and for such an audience. God always plants our dreams before he gives them to us.
We haven't actually practiced yet for this next one, but I have been asked to play keyboard, which I am totally new at (haven't lead worship like that before - just done vocals so far, so we will see how this pans out!), and Justin will be on guitar.
I can't wait to see what God has up His sleeve for this next one. He always promises to meet us where we're at. But he does so much more than that.
Never before have I been so convinced that He places our dreams in our hearts before he gives them to us physically.
And...He is.
It's been amazing to watch.
This church we have finally joined (after a year of attending, by the way!) has been more than I ever could have asked God for - I am so happy, for the first time, in a very long time, with the place we are attending.
Which leads me to the retreats we've been participating in.
I think they may be part of what God has been birthing in my heart... For such a time as this.
Because, up until now, I've been able to sing at church, doing specials, and I've even had the extreme privilege of working in a church office, both of which I've absolutely LOVED.
But never have I had the opportunity to serve in the way that I am serving now. It is filling a part of my heart that has ached to be used for so long!
So far, I've helped out with two retreats that our church has coordinated, and I've been able to see beautiful things take place that Jesus has done that I have never been able to be a part of before.
I have been leading worship at the retreats, and have seen some pretty amazing things happen - at the last one, the one for teens, all the pews were empty during the altar call ~ such a beautiful sight it was!
Just amazing for my eyes and heart!
If I had kept a job during this time, and had been working, or had not had kids and stayed home with them, I would not have had the time to put into these retreats.
But because the way my life has worked out, I do.
...Which leads me to this last retreat. It is indescribable how much you can learn from just helping behind the scenes. And even though 40 girls came to the altar during the altar call, the most inspiring moment for me happened before the retreat even began.
You see, this retreat was for teen girls, so the subjects that were touched and the testimonies that were shared were very, very deep and personal, ranging from rape and abortion to cutting and meth use. It was pretty intense.
And I was on the worship team, so I got asked to sing several songs alone, and one with one of the girls who had suffered rape in high school and was still going through the healing process.
She was singing the song, "Warrior," about healing through a traumatic experience, and she was also sharing her testimony about her rape.
It was very, very hard for her, though, and before the retreat she'd been trying to sing it on her own, but she just couldn't. So, about three days before the retreat, my team leader came to me and asked me if I could sing it with her. I didn't even know the song, but it quickly became one of my favorites after practicing it. It's intense, but beautiful.
Well, we had tried to get together before the retreat to practice, but were never able to.
So, you can imagine the nerves on Friday, the day we were to sing it!
I wasn't that nervous, since I'd practiced it on my own and felt confident I could do it. But I really wanted her to be able to sing it with me.
Her nerves were shot...I can only imagine the feeling of being up there in front of all those girls, that were her same age, and sharing about this most horrific incident in her life, then having to sing about it. After all, it had only been a year or two (I think, I could be wrong) since it had happened. Her story is very unique, in that almost the whole town came against her after her and her family testified against this man (and his friends had been in on it, too - not sure if they were charged, but I know at least one was). The kids in the town created t-shirts in support for the man who had raped her. It sounds like it was devastating for her to go through. I am not sure if I could have gotten up in front of anyone, much less my peers, and told my story, then sang about it, either.
So, as you can understand, she was scared. But she came that afternoon to the chapel, where we were to sing, and tried to practice with me in front of our team leaders and her mom.
It wasn't happening though.
She sobbed, and sobbed some more. She couldn't do it, she said. She just couldn't.
But after pulling herself together (that sweet, brave soul!) she tried to sing one last time with me, and, immediately following the song, our team leader (and coordinator of the retreats) looked at us with tears streaming down her cheeks after praying throughout the song for us.
"I just wanted to tell you," she said, "that while you were singing, as I was praying, God showed me something."
"After I prayed, I opened my eyes, and there were four warring angels standing in front of that podium where you are," she said.
"And God told me that they will not leave. They will be here, and they will stay here during your song."
That was enough for her, I think. ;)
And me.
We sang that song that night, and I pray lives were touched, and people healed.
I have been praying for lives to be touched and people to be healed throughout this time, before the retreats start, and even fasting from certain things in my life.
I feel used of God, and it's just amazing. These retreats are indescribable.
And my sweet hubby...He is in on it too. He will be going with me in October to the couples retreat, where we will get to lead worship together. Never did I actually believe that I'd be able to lead worship in such a fashion - and for such an audience. God always plants our dreams before he gives them to us.
We haven't actually practiced yet for this next one, but I have been asked to play keyboard, which I am totally new at (haven't lead worship like that before - just done vocals so far, so we will see how this pans out!), and Justin will be on guitar.
I can't wait to see what God has up His sleeve for this next one. He always promises to meet us where we're at. But he does so much more than that.
Never before have I been so convinced that He places our dreams in our hearts before he gives them to us physically.
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